If you've arrived at this page it's highly likely you clicked on a word or phrase that you are not familiar with or you just want to learn to speak the Queens English like wot I does. This page will help you understand some of the slang, colloquial and made up words or phrases throughout my pages. Also if you learn all these words and phrases you will become dead popular like me. This in undoubtedly the most comprehensive collection of slang on the Internet.

A

• A-up - used extensively in Derby England this term is the equivalent of, "Hello".
• Anal Pseudonyms - The Anus is a very important part of our body. It rids our body of those 12 pints of Guinness and that Hum Dinger Ring Stinger you had the night before. After you've taken a dump be sure to wipe otherwise you might end up with Winnits.
• Ring
• Ring Piece
• Arsehole
• Ass (American of course as they are too lazy to pronounce the whole word) - see Yank.
• Shit Box
• Shit Chute
• Marmite Motorway
• Arse Bandit - if you're an Arse Bandit it implies that you are raiding peoples arses. see Homosexual Pseudonyms.
• Arse-Boy - somebody who prefers arses to pussies - see Homosexual Pseudonyms.
• Arse-Brain - used to denote that somebody is educationally subnormal.
• Arse-Face - used as an insult, especially to ugly people.
• Arsehole - English version of the American ass-hole. Literally means anus, but used to describe a person who is a twat.
• Arseholed - see Drunk Pseudonyms
• Aunt Flo is visiting from Redding - see on the rag.
• Axe wound - a phrase to describe a woman's pussy, because that's what it looks like.

B

• B&E - Breaking and Entering.
• Baby Batter - see Spunk. Used in the place of Cum or Jism and quoted in the film, "Something about Mary". You don't want to go out with baby batter on your brain. Meaning that you don't want to go on a date feeling horny. It's like going shipping when you're hungry, you'll buy any old shite. Likewise if you're feeling as randy as a tomcat with three balls you'll fuck anything. Hence you should have "one of the wrist", before going out on a date. Going out with baby batter on your brain is also going out with a loaded weapon.
• Badly packed Kebab - see Kebab. A phrase often used to describe a birds quim. It is used to describe a quim that has unusually large, in size or amount, of beef curtains.
• Baps - see Breast Pseudonyms
• Ball and Chain - See bird.
• Bash the Bishop - see Wanking
• Bathroom Biscuit - A bathroom biscuit is a small white circular disk that is put in the piss troughs in men's bogs to keep things smelling peachy. You know the ones, you're down the boozer pissed up and you go for a waz and you play "waz the biscuit", around the urinal, trying to displace the biscuit as far away from it's initial position as possible. Bathroom biscuits also come in balls. Obviously playing "waz the biscuit" with balls is far easier than it is with the regular disks.
• Baths - more commonly heard as "let's go down the Baths". This refers to the public swimming pool.
• BCH - Blonde Cunt Hair see Small Measurements. The BCH is the finest of all the members of the Cunt Hair family. The thickest being the pubic hair belonging to a spook bird. Much like the hair on a spooks head it resembles wire wool.
• Beef Bayonet - see Penis Pseudonyms
• Beef Curtains - men have foreskins (unless you're a roundhead), women have Beef curtains. Beef curtains are basically the flaps on the outside of a birds twat. You may often hear them referred to as Beef Flaps, Piss Flaps, Saddle Bags or John Waynes Saddle Bags.
• Beef Flaps - see Beef Curtains
• Beer Glasses - This is a term used to describe the effect that alcohol has on your vision. If you end up waking up next to a right rat shit bird the next morning after having a piss up down the boozer the night before, it's highly likely that you had a good set of beer glasses on when you picked her up.
• Beer Goggles - See Beer Glasses.
• Bell - used in place of the verb to call. e.g. "Give me a bell", means, "give me a call on the telephone". Also see Dog, Trumpet and Trombone. Give me a "Jingle", is another common term.
• Bell Cheese - see Smegma
• Bell End - the end of the penis. It's gets this name because it's shaped like a bell. It's also shaped like a an old wartime helmet so it's often called a helmet too. Also see PGH, Japs Eye, Roundhead, Cavalier and Purple Headed Cavalier.
• Big and Clever - A top phrase to use if you want to be Big and Clever. Big refers to the fact that you're bigger, more mature and more grown up than anybody else, and Clever just means you smarter than every body else. Associated phrases that come to mind here include Well Ard and Rock Ard.If you want to be Big and Clever, Well Ard or Rock Ard here's some things you can do.
• Drink a load of beer without Honking
• Tell the Indian waiter that you want the hottest curry they can make and if you can eat it you're not paying for it. You go ahead and scoff it in a oner and tell 'em it was crap.
• Drive your car home with a blood alcohol content that's bordering on clinically dead so that when the cops pull you for weaving all over the road you blow in to the meter and the reading is so high the cops let you go coz they think the meter's shagged.
• Whenever you take your motorcycle out of the garage you don't put it away unless you've at least done twice the maximum national limit.
• You've shagged so many birds that your bell end is like boot leather.
• You've broken bones all over your body, once the bone was sticking through the skin and there was a bird pecking on it. You just told the ambulance guys to knob off and fixed it yourself with some rusty tools you found in a near by shed.
• You've gone down on a black girl when it's rag week.
• Big Girls Blouse - a replacement word for girl, more acute than just plain "blouse", used in the context of, "He's not coming down the pub tonight because he's a Big Girls Blouse", also see Big Girls Skipping Rope
• Big Girls Skipping Rope - a replacement word for girl, more acute than just plain "blouse", used in the context of, "He's not coming down the pub tonight because he's a Big Girls Skipping Rope". You can make it even more acute by quoting, "Big Girls Skipping Rope with Pink Handles". Big Girls Blouse
• Bin Bag - Trash can liner (for yanks)
• Bin Liner - Trash can liner (for yanks)
• Bird - A name for a girl a girlfriend, woman or wife also see snatch. Also if it's your bird it's often called "The Misses", or "Our Lass", "Ball and Chain" or Trouble. example. I'm not going to get a shag tonight coz our misses is on the rag.
• Blagged - stolen or robbed, also see nicked.
• Bloke - a guy, a man etc. e.g. "I bought it from this bloke down the boozer".
• Blouse - short for Big Girls Blouse.
• Blow Job - when a bird gets her North round your three card trick.
• Blow Your Load - literally means to ejaculate see Whack Off., also "Blow your Wad"
• Blow Your Wad - see above.
• Boffing - comes from the verb To Boff. Means to shag. Possible use, "Hey Dave, did you Boff that fat slapper last night or what?"
• Bog - The toilet. This may also called any of the following
• Shit House
• Throne
• Porcelain Throne
• The John
• Karzy.
• Dunny
• Bog Roll - Toilet Paper.Also known as Shit House roll or Shit House Paper
• Bollocks - a word literally meaning testicles but not often used for that purpose. Although you might here a phrase like, "The missus gave me a good kick in the bollocks for staying out all night". It's one of those wonderful general purpose words that can be used in some many different contexts and on so many different occasions.
• In disbelief - "What a load of bollocks"
• In amazement - "Well I'll be bollocksed"
• In frustration - "Ohhh bollocks to it"
• Deep frustrastion - "Double bollocks to it"
• In threat - "I'll bollocks you if your not careful"
• In warning - "Do that and you'll end up bollocksed"
• In disagreement - "Well bollocks to you then"
• In complacency - "I couldn't give a bollocks"
• In anger - "Bollocks ya twat!"
• Describing something good - "It's the dog bollocks"
• Describing something bad - "It's a load of old bollocks"
• Bonse - a slang term for head. e.g. "I got banged me bonse", equates to "I banged my head". You cannot use the term as "head" as in blow job. i.e. "Hey baby come over here, get you kisser round my pisser and give me some bonse". If you say this your bird will probably stick the head on you.
• Botham - a slang word for a "funny fag", i.e. Marajuana, named because Ian Botham the famous English cricketer got caught smoking one.
• Boozer - an establishment for the sale and consumption of alcohol on the premises. Also see Offie.
• Box - see Vagina Psudonyms
• Break your duck - to lose your virginity.
• Breast Psuedonyms - boys are big babies right girls???? YES!!! That's why we like sucking your tits. It's fun and hence they have a lot of other names for them.
• Jugs (Gigantic Jugs of Joy)
• Melons (Mammoth Melons)
• Tits
• Baps
• Fun Pillows
• Brummie - a person who comes from Birmingham.
• Bum Grapes - also known as hemorrhoids

C

• Caf - Short for Cafe. Normally a little Doss-Hole on the corner of the street where, if you can make it through the fag smoke you can order a greasy spoon.
• Camel Jockey - An Arab. Arabs are called camel jockeys because they ride camels in the desert. They are also known as Dune Coons because there's lots of sand in the Desert forming Dunes and the word Dune rhymes with Coon. Other terms include Sand Nigger  because of the abundance of sand, Rag Heads and Towel heads because their head wear .
• Camels Toe - a phrase used to describe the shape of a birds pussy when squashed inside some tight kecks, the beef curtains, along with the skin-head-in-the-canoe, and the Minge make it look like a camels toe.
• Car Park - An English version of a Parking Lot.
• Carpet Muncher - Lesbian - also see Twat Eater.
• Choig - A Hong Kong Chinese person or anyone with slant eyes really, also known as a chink, nip, slope, slant, gook, boatie, a yellow or a choig.
• CHP - not the California Highway Patrol but Chocolate Highway Patrol - see homosexual pseudonyms.
• Chuff - see Anus Pseudonyms
• Clit -short for Clitoris. Also known as Yuel Brinner in a Canoe, or "The Skinhead in the Canoe"
• Cock - see Penis Pseudonyms.
• Coon - a general purpose derogatory word for foreigners usually pertaining to black people.
• Couldn't give a monkeys chuff - The main context this phrase is used in would be something like, "I couldn't give a monkeys chuff whether your the Duke of Edinburgh - you can fuck off" This is a basic statement of complacency i.e. you don't care. See also rats ass.
• Crimble - Another word for Christmas. Also see Crimbo
• Crimbo - Yet another word for Christmas. Also see Crimble
• Crow - Not a bird but a word to describe solid pieces of snot, also known as bogies that gather in your nose. Nose Goblins are the same things.
• Crutch Box - this is a bit of a specialist phrase. Crutch Box basically refers to a woman's box but I like to save this for special occasions when women are wearing really tight pants, a swimming costume or something like that, where the tightness really emphasizes the shape of the underlying minge or mound this would be a perfect opportunity to throw out a "Check out the Crutch Box on that bird". Also see Vagina Pseudonyms
• Cunt - the ultimate in swear words - there are non worse than this word. Actually it can be used to refer to a woman's thingy see Vagina Pseudonyms. This word can be combined with other to make it even more of an insult. A typical example would be to say to someone, "You fucking cunt", there is only one proper response to this and that is, "Who are you calling Cunt? Ya Cunt". As with Twat the possibilities are endless. Stupid Cunt, Thick Cunt, Dozy Cunt, Lazy Cunt are all well known and used as well as some of the old classics like Cunt Face and Cunt Features. I've even heard Cunty Bollocks once or twice. Other uses include Soft Cunt (somebody has believed something that was pretty unbelievable) or Hard Cunt (somebody who is pretty tough)
• Cunty - a great word but not very seldom used. A friend of mine from the Black Country back in the UK always used to call everybody Cunty. I asked him why he did that and he just told me that it was really easy to remember and that he had trouble remembering his friends names. You can actually use this between friends, a typical example may be, "Come on Cunty are we going do the boozer?"
• Cunt Carpet - see pubic hair pseudonyms.
• Curl one off - see Take a Seat.

D

• Dirty Dick - another Navy Classis (also see Happy Sock). Dirty Dick, isn't an adjective, it's a noun, "to dirty dick", something. Basically if you "dirty dick", something you run your tool over it. For instance there may be a girl in the office who is uptight or just out right needs a good porking. If she's having none of it, then you can get your own bike by "dirty dicking", her coffee mug before she gets to work, you would roll the end of your fromunda cheese laided cock around the rim of her coffee mug as a gesture of disapproval.
• Dog - cockney rhyming slang for Dog and Bone which means telephone. Also see Bell, Trumpet and Trombone. A dog may also be a bird who is really ugly and or fat.
• Dogs Bollocks - If something is "The Dogs Bollocks", it is the very best.
• Dogs Gums - one of my favorites. If you've even seen a dogs gums some of them are very pink, it's quite a contrast to the outside of the dogs mouth. another attribute of dogs gums is that they are sometimes slightly speckled. If you've ever parted the piss flaps on a black bird you will notice that the inside resembles dogs gums. Thus it is often Big and Clever to walk past a black girl in the street and nudge your friend and say, "I bet she's got a set of Dogs Gums on her"
• Donkey Show - a must for all seasoned pervs. As well as being present in Tijuana donkey shows have also been rumored to be seen in south America. In a nut shell it's a show where a woman has sex with a donkey. The woman is suspended on a specially made cradle underneath the donkey and the donkey is wanked until it gets hard. It's pecker is then inserted in to the woman and nature takes over and the donkey shags the bird. Now, here's the clever bit. A washer is put over the donkeys tool to prevent it from ramming the whole length of it's tool in to her. The grand finale, which you'll probably get to taste if you sit near the front, is when the donkey is about to shoot it's wad an assistant whips the donkey's cock out of the woman and sprays the crowd with it. How you tell when a donkey is about to blow it's load is beyond me.
• Doss-Hole - any place that is unkempt and dirty. e.g. "Youngie, you're bedroom is a fucking Doss-Hole, get it cleaned up".
• Doug Snaith - A rare species of Brit. Characterized by several easily identifiable traits. Born in Leeds in 1960 a Doug consumes copious quantities of both Alcohol and Nicotine and can often be found frequenting disreputable establishments that specialize in selling both. A Doug can either be found shooting pool, playing dice, watching ball sports, playing golf and especially watching LUFC playing soccer. As an occupation a Doug does as little as possible for as much as possible. When not hanging out at bars a Doug may be spotted going in to a wank joint or knocking shop or wondering around shopping centers criticizing people who don't make as much money as him (99% of the population) - Doug has a category for these people and he addresses them as MWS. His brother Joe, whacks off in Crimbo turnkeys and the two of them get great amusement for whipping the local pervert Pete.
• Dune Coon - see Camel Jockey
• Durex - Condom. Also see Nodder and Raincoat
• Drunk Pseudonyms - Let's face it we all spend a lot of our time and money on drinking. If we're not actually drinking we're talking about how much we can drink, how drunk we were last night and where abouts we are going to get drunk tonight. It's the only way to fly. As we spend so much time indulging in alcohol it makes sense that we should have a lot of phrases to describe the act of being intoxicated.
• Arseholed
• Pissed (Not to be used in America - see Yanks)
• Pissed Up
• Pissed out of you mind
• Pissed out of your skull
• Pissed out of your cranium
• Pissed as a Newt
• Pissed as a Fart
• Pissed as a <insert any word>
• Rat-Arsed
• Ratted
• Legless
• Shitfaced
• Out of your skull
• Out of your cranium
• Plastered
• Stocious
• Plastered
• Wazzed Up
• Wazzed out of your mind
• Wazzed out of your skull
• Wazzed out of your cranium
• Dump - of the verb "to Dump", which actually means to pass faeces. See Shitting.

E

F

• Fags - if you're a Yank then see homosexual. If you want to know what the real meaning of a Fag is, it means cigarette. Also known as Cigs, Ciggies, Tabs, Smokes and Cancer Sticks.
• Fanny - see Vaginal Pseudonyms. OK Yanks, it's time to wisen up. Fanny means Vagina, not Bum.Although I do have an inkling of where the Yanks got messed up, living in San Francisco myself, the Poo Pushing capital of the world. Basically everyone used to be straight. Guys would shag girls, girls have a fanny and hence phrases like, "let's go fanny hunting", started to pop up. The one time in San Francisco, as it happens, there was a stag night. Some bird was putting on a bit of a show with another bird, doing a bit of carpet munching and inserting usual objects in to various orifices. As the show proegressed audience participation was encouraged. Soon a few blokes piled and and were boffing the bird. More and more people piled in and as you can imagine people were fairly well oiled. One guy made the mistake of sticking his knob in a "wrong hole", but as everyone was pissed up both the giver and receiver quite enjoyed this. This is how shit stabbing started. Basically from then on, guys who couldn't get women, still went fanny hunting, but instead they went for men which they also called "fanny". As a mans bottom was a replacement for a women's vagina, the bottom became known as the "fanny". This spread from San Francisco around America and hence the word Fanny being used incorrectly as bottom.
• Fanny Hunting - to go on the search for flange basically looking to get a result.
• Fanny Magnet - a person who attracts the opposite sex. Also any object that attracts the opposite sex. e.g. "This Ferrari is a fucking fanny magnet".
• Fat Slapper - see Slapper. Fat and Slapper are normally synonymous.
• Filthy Fifths - like sloppy seconds except instead of being second you're fifth.
• Flange - anything in a skirt.
• Flaps - short for Piss Flaps see Beef Curtains.
• Flower Pot Love - Anal Sex usually associated with a guy doing a girl in the shitter. Other terms include "doing her in the shitter", "slipping it in her shit-box" etc.

• Flowerpotted - if you get flowerpotted it means you get fucked in the arse.

• Fluffer - A Fluffer is a person who is involved in Porno flicks, basically what the "Fluffer" does is keep the guys interested between shots (camera shots not Money Shot), by playing with their tools and keeping them semi-hard so they don't go off the boil. 

• FMB's - Fuck Me Boots. There are those boots that birds where that make you want to shag the bollocks of them.
• Foreskin - the skin of an uncircumcised male that covers his bell end  or helmet. In my case, it's not a Foreskin, it's a five skin coz it's so fucking big. If my parents would have had be circumcised at borth they could have used my hood for a bin liner.
• Fromunder Cheese - a type of cheese (Smegma) that come "from under", your foreskin or around your cock area.
• Fuck my old Boots - a term to use when something goes wrong. First heard from a Geordie fellow called John Cant back in 1990 while working on the VRIP project in Sacramento California. Later got transferred to the Fox and Goose drinking establishment where dice players would kick their cups and shout "Fuck My old Boots", when they put a dice out.
• Fun Bags - see fun pillows.
• Fun Pillows - let's face it, the word "Breast" or "Mammory Glands", just simply doesn't do a women's tits justice, use fun pillows instead for a more effective means of communication. Also see Breast Psuedonyms.
• F.Y.B - Fuck You Boy.

G

• Gargle - used in place of the verb "to drink", usually associated with the consumption of alcoholic beverages. e.g. "Are you out for a gargle tonight". Also an extension to the following joke.

What's the difference between Love and Like?
A spit and a swallow!
While some girls do spit, others swallow and the very select few Gargle - they are just showing off.

• Geordie - some one from the North East of England. Says "Way-Aye", a lot.
• Glasgow Kiss - see "Stick the head on".
• Gnats cock - see Small Measurements.
• Gob - your Gob is your Mouth. Common phrases that use Gob include, "Shut your fucking Gob" or "How would you like a smack in the fucking Gob". Gob is also used to replace the word saliva. e.g. "I gobbed in his face".
• Gobs - this can either be the plural of Gob. Gobs also means to spit - like a girl would after you've shot your bolt in her mouth.
• Gobshite - a name for a person who has a loud mouth, talks shit or who is a blabber mouth.
• Government Artist - Someone who draws the Rock and Roll
• Gravy Stroke - when you are shagging a bird the gravy stroke is the last stroke just before you shoot your load.
• Greasy Spoon - a term used to describe the old traditional fried breakfast or a place that serves them We all know that truck drivers are fat bastards, one of the main reasons they are fat bastards is due to the fact that eat a lot of fried food from transports cafs on their travels. These transport cafs normally provide the usual, Eggs, Bacon, Sausage, Beans, Chips, Mushrooms, Tomatoes, Fried Bread, Black Pudding, White Pudding, A cup of tea, Plain bread, Toasted bread and another cup of tea for about two quid.What they also provide is poorly washed cutlery to eat your breakfast with. Hence "Greasy Spoon", as the grease is not properly washed from the eating implements.
• Grots - see Underpants Pseudonyms

H

• Half a Gnats cock - see Small Measurements.
• Hand Brake - this is the same as an American Emergency Brake.
• Handling Swollen Goods. - if you've been handling swollen goods and they are you own goods you'd be a wanker. If you're a bloke and you're handling someone else's goods you're a shit stabber. If you're a bird handling swollen goods that's fine. Also see Receiving Swollen Goods.
• Happy Sock - Navy guys who spend a lot of time at sea either have to relieve themselves by Bashing their Bishops or naturally through nocturnal emissions. If they decide to empty their plums on a manual basis, in the interest of hygiene and being in close quarters with other seamen when they are wanking in their bunks which are very small when they reach the vinegar stroke they blow their load in to one of their socks making mess cleaning a snip. The sock is know as the "Happy Sock". This was featured as a tube sock in the Film American Pie.
• Hairy Lasso - yet another word for the pussy. 
• Heat Seeking Moisture Missile - see Penis Pseudonyms
• Helmet - see Bell End
• Hide the Sausage - If you are playing "Hide the Sausage", you are shagging a bird. The Sausage being your Tool and the hiding place being her Snatch. Another common phrase is "Spear the Bearded Clam".
• Homosexual Pseudonyms
• Knob Jockey
• Pillow Biter
• Shit Stabber
• Fudge Packer
• Arse Bandit
• Turd Burglar
• Uphill Gardener
• Chocolate Higway Patrolman
• Shit Stabber
• Honk - a much better word to use in place of "be sick" or "vomit". It's much better to say, "Are you gonna Honk", than to say "Are you going to vomit". If you want to add extra inflection you could use something like, "it looks like you are going to Honk your Ringpiece up!". Basically this says that the person in question is about to be violently sick.
• Honking - the act of vomiting (see Honk)
• Hood - see foreskin.
• Hum Dinger (Ring Stringer) - In a nut shell this is a Hot Curry. Now, this is a topic in itself as we all know that when you've had a skin full of beer and you've been booted out of the pub there's nothing better than going to your nearest Indian for a bit of a sit down. You can eat a shed load of food and carry on drinking. Other stuff like insulting the waiters, calling them "Sabu", and imitating Indian accents is all perfectly acceptable. Indian food comes in several heat ranges and basically the more pissed up you are the hotter you get it. If you stroll in the Indian pissed out of your cranium after kicking out time, it doesn't matter what you order you're just going to get something off the piss-heads menu. The guys in the back kitchen are probably gobbing in the food, the chef is probably whacking off in to it so much his brown face has gone red and he's got a right arm like Arnold Scwazenegger but it doesn't matter because you're ratted. I find the order, "Sabu, I don't know what it's called but I'll have the hottest curry what you do and if I can eat it I'm not fucking paying for it", normally get's you a bit of a Hot Curry. Of course you'll regret it in the morning when you're dabbing ice cubes on your Ringpiece and you've got the bog roll in the fridge. Anyway Curry basics Korma and Masalas are for wimps. Vindaloos are warming up, followed my Tindaloo (not all places do these) and then right at the top of the scale you've got the Faal. Rock 'Ard boys eat Faals.

I

Init - Short for "isn't it?". Used by Cockney Wankers.

J

• Jacobs - Jacobs Crackers. Cockney rhyming slang for knackers.
• Jam Rag - another word for a Tampon. Rag, referring to the item itself whether it's a "Shove 'em Up" or a "Matress". and the Jam referring to the blood.
• Japs Eye - This is the end of the Urethra in a male. For those of us out there that are Mr Thicky Twat Faces, this translates to the hole on the top of a Bell End. It's called a Japs eye because Japanese people have slit eyes and it looks just like one.
• Jazz Bands - Cockney rhyming slang for "Hands". Also see Three Card Trick.
• Jazz Mag - see Wank Mag
• Jazz Vid - a porno movie.
• Jizz - short for Jizm, same as Spunk.
• John Waynes Saddle Bags - the outer lips of the Vagina usually used to indicate rather large Piss Flaps.
• Joint - a multi purpose word. Unlike the words bollocks, fuck and wank. This word does have several very different meanings.
• A joint may be something you smoke to get you high. (Also See Botham).
• It may refer to jail
• It may refer to your home, pad etc.
• Jugs - see Breast Psuedonyms, used in conjunction with Gigantic Jugs and Gigantic Jugs of Joy.

K

• Kebab - a piece of Pita bread with some meat and vegetables thrown inside. It's the Greek version of a Taco. When you're shit-faced you'll eat anything to soak up some booze and by time you get to the Kebab House that's about what you will get, a piece of bread with some rancid meat on it, some lettuce and tomato just for good measure smothered in some ring-stinging hot sauce.
• Kebab House - a restaurant that sells Kebabs. Besides Indian Restaurants, it's probably the only other place open when you get kicked out of the boozer. 
• Kecks - Trousers or pants.
• 'Kin Hard - Short for Fucking Hard, people who say this are so hard they don't even pronounce the word fucking.
• Kicking Out Time - This refers to when a place closes. More often associated with when an establishment that sells alcohol refuses to serve you any more because the owner wants to close and go to best.
• Knackers - Testicles, also see Bollocks,
• Knob Cheese - can be used as a derogatory term toward a person, "You fucking knob cheese", is perfectly all right and grammatically correct. Also Knob Cheese can be Smegma.
• Knob Head - is a person who is a general Twat.
• Knob Jockey - see Homosexual Pseudonyms.
• Knob Off - A term used to mean, "go away".

L

• Legless - see Drunk Pseudonyms
• Loaded Weapon - See baby batter.
• Lovers Balls - if you're a bloke you've probably suffered from lovers balls at least once in your life. Picture the scene; you're on the sofa with your missus and it all starts with a little peck. Before you know it you're playing tonsil hockey, sucking face and swapping spit. Next thing you know you've got your hands up her shirt and you're playing with her fun pillows. Then you start doing the old Windscreen Wipers, after you've got fed up with that it's down to the old minge for a bit of stink finger. The tension behind your zipper is practically unbearable and your purple headed cavalier is dribbling from his single eye. Then she turns around and tells you that she can't have sex with you because her husband is due home shortly. You tidy up and make a quick get away but as you're driving home in the car you are aware of a dull aching pain in your bollocks. This my friend is "lovers balls". The remedy is simple, take yourself in hand and have a bloody good one off the wrist.

M

• Mammoth Melons - refers to a rather nice set of tits see Breast Psuedonyms
• Market day in Grimsby - Grimsby is a town on the East coast of England. It's basically a fishing town, therefore on Market day in Grimsby, there is a pungent smell of fish in the air. For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to shag a slapper, this will probably rekindle your memories.
• Marmite Motorway - see Anus Psuedonyms
• Mattress - yeah, you can sleep on a Mattress but in real terms it's another word for a sanitary napkin - also see Jam Rag
• Meat Gazing - another Navy term used when guys are looking at other guys tools in communal showers.
• Melons - see Breast Pseudonyms
• Mickey Juice - As it's name suggest you might think this has something to do with Mickey Mouse. In fact it's got Fuck All to do with him unless he's shagging the box off Minnie Mouse. When you get a bird all horny her twat gets wet. Basically her body is getting ready for a damn good Rogering. This lubrication know as Mickey Juice makes it easy for you to Spear the Bearded Clam.
• MILF - Mothers I'd Like to Fuck You know when you were at school, one of your mates always had a fit mother that was worth shagging, hence the term MILF, used in the film American Pie.
• Millwalls - A Cockney term that means balls or bollocks as in knackers.
• Minge - see Pubic Hair Pseudonyms
• Misses - see Bird
• Money Shot - The money shot is the shot in a porno flick where the guy blows his load. A porno flick normally goes something like this, blow job, pussy-eating, maybe some Anal and a tit wank, then when the guy is gonna blow his wad he generally whacks off on the birds face, she lies there with her mouth open hungrily looking like she's waiting to get dumped on. The guy shoots his wad on her face, chin, eyes, gob  "The Money Shot", and the cycle is repeated.
• Mound - some times called a "Mound of Venus" (Well that's what I call it anyway - so FYB). This is the mound that the minge makes when it's wrapped in some tight underwear like a bikini or something.
• Mr Thicky Twat Face - a term to call somebody who is dumb.
• Muff - see Minge
• Muff Diving - The act of eating pussy.
• Muff Mat - see Pubic Hair Pseudonyms.
• Mutton Dagger - see Penis Pseudonyms
• M.W.S - Minimum Wage Scum. This is the Doug Snaith designation

N

• N.F.C. - Common abbreviation used in speech for "No Fucking chance". e.g. You've got NFC of getting out of this mess.
• Nicked - Stolen, also "Blagged"
• Niff Mag - see Wank Mag
• Nigger - a derogatory word to describe foreigners mostly associated with black people. Some people says it's bad to used the word Nigger but I've spent some time in the joint where there are a lot of Niggers and the Niggers actually call themselves Niggers. In between breaths of "Mother Fucker".
• Nocturnal Emissions - A wet dream. Normally when you are growing up as a kid, you're bollocks get backed up with spunk and you need to emptied. If you don't empty them on a regular basis you might blow your wad while you're asleep, resulting in some sticky bed sheets.
• Nodder - see Durex
• North - Cockney Rhyming slang "North and South" = mouth.
• Nose Candy - a slang word used for Cocaine, also known as Show Biz Sherbet.
• Nut Sack - you're nut sack is you're scrotum. It houses your bollocks.

O

• Offie - "Off License", a place that sells alcholic beverages for consumption off the premises.
• Old Dear - a term used to replace the word "mother". "Old lady" is a similar term, the father equivalent is "Old Man".
• Old Man - a term used to replace the word "father". Also see Penis Pseudonmys
• On the rag - If your misses is on the rag, she is having her period. She may also be "riding the cotton pony"
• One Eyed Trouser Snake - See Penis Pseudonyms.
• One Eyed Trouser Python- See Penis Pseudonyms.
• One Eyed Piccolo - See Penis Pseudonyms.
• One off the Wrist - See Wanking
• Our Lass - see Bird

P

• Packet - everyone knows what a packet is. But this term is best used to describe the "packet", in the front of your skids. You might be boasting to your mates down the baths, "check out the size of my packet", and that's my Packet on the Slack.
• Packet on the Slack - a term used to denote that your tool isn't erect, it's currently flaccid.
• Pearl Necklace - now here's a concept. I know it sound expensive but it's not. All it's going to cost you is a couple pints down the boozer and a nut sack full of spunk. So you're down the pub pissed up and you're trollies are busting at the zipper. What's the proper thing to do? Obviously you want to find some Slapper, buy her a few drinks and back to your joint. If she's too fat to fuck then a Pearl Necklace is on the cards. You start by getting a Tit Wank and just as you're on the Gravy Stroke you rub your helmet all around her neck leaving a trail of lovely pearls. No problem.

If she's small enough to shag it's a bit more tricky because you'll be shagging the box off her and you'll probably be too lazy of pissed up to pull your tool out when you're on the Vinegar stroke, but basically what you've got to do it get close to the Vinegar stroke pull the old man out before it goes off and straddle her chest, you might need to Bash the Bishop a bit to get it to go off on her neck but the concepts there. Alot of time though you'll wait until you right on the Vinegar stroke, pull it out and just spray her minge with jizz. It's not gonna matter really because her twat is probably like a plate of liver and bacon by now anyway, also it's extra cool if the sheets aren't yours, that way you wont have to worry about breaking them up with a fire axe the next day.

• Penis Pseudonyms - it's too easy to just say cock, prick or penis, as this is the all the important tool we have a selection of much better phrases that you can use in it's place.
• Spam Ram
• Pork Sword
• Heat Seeking Moisture Missile
• Beef Bayonet
• Mutton Dagger
• One Eyed Trouser Snake
• One Eyed Trouser Python
• One Eyed Picolo
• Pink Oboe
• Skin Flute
• Tool
• Old Man
• Pork Chop Rocket
• Perv - short for pervert.
• Pervs - plural of Perv
• P.G.H - Purple Glistening Helmet. This refers to the end a man penis, also called the Bell End. (This term was introduced to me by Doug Snaith). The reason behind the glistening part it that when you've just pulled it out of some slappers soggy box, you're Bell End is still covered in Mickey Juice which gives the Helmet a shiny appearance.
• Pink Oboe- See Penis Pseudonyms.
• Piss Flaps - see Beef Curtains.
• Piss Head - a piss head is a person who drinks a lot and spends the majority of their money and life ratarsed.
• Piss Heads Menu - when you go for a sit down it's more than likely that you're going to be shit faced. You'll probably be acting like a bunch of drunken wankers, you'll be insulting the Indian waiter, you know the routine. So to get his own back on you the Indian waiter serves you anything up that happens to be lying around the kitchen. Of course he gobs in your food and probably whacks off in it a few times. Doesn't matter what you order you just get what's left over, anything that can be scraped off the side of the burnt pans, stuff that's fell on the cooker or the floor. It's all scooped up doused with some spices and volia - that Chicken Vindaloo you just asked for.
• Pissed - if you're a Yank then you may think this means "upset". This is incorrect and you're a wanker. Pissed is the equivalent of being drunk. e.g. "I was pissed", is the equivalent of saying, "I was drunk". See also Drunk Pseudonyms.
• Pissed out of your Cranium - See Drunk Pseudonyms Drunk Pseudonyms.
• Pissed Up - See Drunk Pseudonyms Drunk Pseudonyms.
• Plastered - See Drunk Pseudonyms Drunk Pseudonyms.
• Plastic Pig - A three wheeled car manufactured by Reliant in Birmingham. It's called a plastic pig because the body is made of fiberglass. They catch fire and burn very easily and also tip over on roundabouts pretty easily.
• Plate of Liver and Bacon - a term used to describe a woman's pussy when she it turned on. She gets all wet and the Mickey Juice, combined with her beef curtains resembled a plate of liver and bacon.
• Plums - a handy substitute for Bollocks, Testicles, Balls or Gonads
• Pooh Pusher - see Homosexual Pseudonyms.
• Porking - a good shagging.
• Pork Chop Rocket - see Penis Pseudonyms.
• Pork Sword - see Penis Pseudonyms.
• Poxy - Of no use - fuck all use what so ever. Dog Shit.
• Pubic Hair Pseudonyms - of course this refers to the female pubic region only.
• Minge
• Minge Wig
• Twat Mat
• Cunt Carpet
• Mott
• Puff - literally meaning a gay guy, see Homosexual Psuedonyms. Also means, girly, weak, lame etc.
• Punked - a prison or jail term. If you get "punked", it normally means you get fucked in the arse by another inmate, in which case you become his wife or his bitch.
• Purple Headed Cavalier - see Bell End.
• Pussy - see vaginal Pseudonyms

Q

• Queer - see Homosexual Pseudonyms.
• Queen - see Homosexual Pseudonyms
• Quid - the unit of currency used in England. The current exchange rate currently being set at 1 pound sterling = 1 quid.
• Quim - a term not often heard these days but it's used as a replacement for pussy. e.g. You should have seen the quim on this bird it was like a plate of liver and bacon.

R

• R.A.F. - most people know this is the Royal Air Force. In pub terms this means you have a good set of beer glasses on and the bird you are chatting up isn't as good looking as what you think and she is actually a member of the R.A.F. i.e. Rough As Fuck.
• Rack - used to describe a set of tits. "Check out the Rack on that bird".
• Rag Head - see Camel Jockey.
• Rag Week - This is the term used to denote the week when a girl is having her period. See on the rag
• Raincoat - see Durex
• Rat Arsed - see Drunk Pseudonyms
• Rats Ass (I Couldn't give a dead rats ass) - The main context this phrase is used in would be something like, "I couldn't give a dead rats ass whether your the Duke of Edinburgh - you can fuck off" This is a basic statement of complacency i.e. you don't care. See also Monkeys Chuff.
• Ratted - see Drunk Pseudonyms
• Receiving Swollen Goods - if you are receiving swollen goods and you are a bloke, you're an arse bandit. If your a bird, that's fine unless you're handling a lot of swollen goods and then you're a slag. See also Handling Swollen Goods.
• Result - if you get a result, it means you got laid.
• Richard - Simply this is a mans name. Of course there's more to it than that. If you're name happens to be Richard Head, you're pretty unfortunate because Richard is always shortened to Dick thus you become Dick Head. The other well know implication is that of Cockney Rhyming Slang, Richard is short for "Richard the Third" - which really means Turd.
• Riding the cotton pony - see on the rag.
• Ring - Usually short for Ringpiece. e.g. "My ring was on fire after that Vindaloo last night". Or you could say, "Give us a ring later", which would mean call me on the telephone.
• Ring Me - it doesn't mean insert something in to my bottom. It means give me a call on the telephone. Also see Bell, Dog, Trumpet and Trombone.
• Ring Piece - see Anus Pseudonyms
• Ring Stinger - see Hum Dinger Ring Stinger
• Rock - The short version of "Rock 'Ard". The term Rock would only be used between people "in the know". In order to use this word in the correct context, you need to know what the word means to start with, also to get the most out of the word the person you are talking to must also know it's full meaning, otherwise it's wasted.
• Rock and Roll - the dole. Free money from the Government for sitting on your arse.
• Rock 'Ard - this was a playground term used to denote a tough person in school.
• Roundhead - if you are a Roundhead it means you have been circumcised. i.e. you haven't got a foreskin. It is called a round head because in the war some soldiers used to wear helmets that were hemispherical much like a Bell End with no foreskin, the opposite if being a Roundhead is being a Cavalier. this only refers to blokes of course as women don't have foreskins, instead of foreskins they have Beef Curtains.

S

• Sabu - Generic name for an Indian Waiter. Likes being abused by drunks at kicking out time but gets his own back by gobbing and blowing his wad in your meal but you don't care coz you're rat arsed.
• Saddle Bags- see Beef Curtains
• Sand Nigger - see Camel Jockey
• Scud - To beat somebody up or hit them. you could also threaten someone by saying, "If you're not careful I'm going to fucking scud you!".
• Scudded - If somebody Scuds you then you have been Scudded.
• Scudding - To get a scudding means to get beaten up. you could say, "If you don't get out of my fucking face you'll get a scudding".
• Scum -
• Shag - To get a shag, is to get laid.
• Shagged - To have fucked somebody. e.g. "Yeah I've shagged that bird with big jugs". Or, "I'm shagged out", meaning that you are tired or knackered.
• Shagging - Fucking. e.g. "Hey Dave are you shagging that bird or what?"
• Sheath Cheese - see Sheath Cleaning and Smegma
• Sharing a tube - when to guys are doing the same bird, also see see sloppy seconds and filthy fifths.
• Sheath Cleaning - A friend of mine Gretchen Rossini, owns a couple of horses (ya know those things that if they kick you in the head will kill you), anyway she was telling me that twice yearly one of the things you have to do to a horse is clean it's sheath. This involves removing copious quantities of Smegma from the horses Foreskin. You have to pull back the horses hood and scrape out all the knob cheese.
• Shite - see Shitting
• Shitter - another word for the toilet.
• Shit Box - see Anal Psuedonyms.
• Shit Faced - see Drunk Pseudonyms.
• Shit Stabber - being a shit stabber would indicate that you are a homosexual see homosexual pseudonyms. The name shit stabber comes around for the obvious reason that the giver is up the receivers arse, if the receiver hasn't had dump lately his arse would be full of shit and the giver would be stabbing it.
• Shitting - now here's a wonderful topic. Let's face it - we all do it hey? We only go to the bathroom to do one of three things shit, piss or have a wank. (I suppose women change their jam rags in there too bit that's a separate topic). A friend of mind once said "A well timed shite is as good as a wank", and he wasn't far wrong really! There's more to it than meets the eye really. The big question which always stumps people is "After you've wiped your arse do you look at the paper?". Quite a lot of people will say "no". Now you've go them by the bollocks because if they don't look at the piece of shithouse paper after they have wiped, how do they know that their Ring Piece is clean. If they answer "No", they are either lying or they are walking around with a pair of undercrackers that look like a Mars Bar has melted in the back of them. Another common question to ask is that of "folding" and "scrunching", with reference to what they do with the bog roll just before they start wiping.
• Shoot Your Load - literally means to ejaculate also see Whack Off.
• Shoot Your Wad- literally means to ejaculate also see Whack Off.
• Shove 'em Up - another word for a Tampon - also see Jam Rag
• Show Biz Sherbet - see Nose Candy.
• Siamese Winnits. - a Siamese Winnit is a Winnit that has only one head but two bodies. See Winnits.
• Sit Down - Short for, "a sit down meal", usually associated with an Indian meal eaten after you've had a skin full of beer. This may then be followed by another skin full at a night club and a Kebab on the way home or that might be the grand finale of the evening. Also see Hum Dinger.
• Skids - see Underpants Pseudonyms.
• Skid Mark - It's the brown mark left in the back of your grots when your pants rub on your ring.. A condition caused by not wiping properly after a Richard.
• Skin Flute - see Penis Pseudonyms.
• Skin head in a Canoe - this refers to a woman's clit as when the clit becomes swollen it looks like a skin headed person, as it is surrounded by piss flaps and the like, the surrounding looks like a canoe because the beef flaps are canoe shaped.
• Sky - It's not that blue thing (or grey thing if you live England) where rain comes from. It's cockney rhyming slang for "Sky Rocket", which means pocket.
• Skin Full - A term used to denote an excess amount most commonly used with alcohol. A typical phrase would be, "I've had a right fuckin' skill full". this would indicate that you are very drunk. Also see Drunk Pseudonyms.
• Skunk Pussy - skunks smell and we all know what a Pussy is right? This term is pretty much self explanatory. For those of you with a room temperature IQ the term basically refers to a girl who gets shagged a lot and her vaginal hygeine leaves a lot to be desired. After a couple of days without washing and being filled full of spunk, sweating and spewing Mickey Juice things tend to turn a bit rank. Severe cases will remind you of market day in Grimsby.
• Slapper - a slapper is normally some fat sweaty bird who's got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. She's wearing a skirt that's two sizes too small for her and her jugs are all over the show. You pick up when you're pissed up down the pub, so you can take her home to empty your plums in to. You bang the arse off her all night, give it her up the shit box (and she doesn't even wake up), tit wank her, give her a greasy breakfast in the morning and send her on her way. She'll be out at the same pub the next night and some other bloke will do it to her all over again. She can't remember how many blokes she's had because she's been in more beds than a gardeners spade and she's had more nuts in her mouth than a hibernating squirrel. The full grammatically correct term is in fact Fat Slapper.
• Slit of Pink - a useful term and fairly flexible, can be used to mean a female or women (See Snatch). More precisely it refers to what's seen when a woman spreads her beef curtains. As the beef curtains are generally darker in color than the inside of a birds snatch piece, when the curtains are parted there is a distinguishable color difference, hence a slit of pink is noticed. See also Dog Gums
• Sloppy Seconds - if your mate shags a bird before you do, you get sloppy seconds. If you're both shagging the same bird it's called sharing a tube.
• Small Measurements - OK, folks, most of us clever twats have done degrees and stuff right, that separates us from the "Mr Thicky Twat Faces" and the MWS of this world. We've done technical subjects and thus we're fully conversant with small measurements. Millimeters, Micrometers, Nanomemters etc. The Rock 'Ard amongst know of Picometers (10E-12), Femtometers (10E-15) and the ultimate Attometer (10E-18). But lets face it, it's all a load of bollocks init? If you're playing pool and you turn around and say, "I missed that shot by 3 micrometers", people are going to be thinking you're on the Show Biz Sherbet or you've been in the bathroom munching the bathroom biscuit. I mean lets be real about this, no cunt knows how much 3 micrometers is do they. So there's a far more explicit way of describing small measurements. The beauty of this system is that there is only three measurements they are
• A Gnats Cock
• Half a Gnats Cock
• BCH

So using this method of measurement I'm sure you'll agree that "I missed that shot by half a gnats cocks", sounds better than the former phrase. Ok, not many of us have see a gnats cocks, but we've all seen a gnat right? So we can imagine how small a gnats cocks is. Therefore if we can imagine how small a gnats cock is, we can go ahead and envisage how small half a gnats cock is. A BCH is pretty straight forward, most of us have sampled this while we have been eating a bit of pussy or giving the skinhead in the canoe a little twang with our tongue. Now sometimes we think there is no gap in our teeth but once in a while we come up for air after doing a bit of muff diving and voila there's a BCH in your teeth, that's how small a BCH is.

• Smegma - This is a cheesy substance that gathers under your foreskin (if you're a Roundhead) or it gathers at the base of the Helmet. It's composition may vary but it normally contains a mixture of one or all of the following dead skin, spunk, Mickey Juice, general dirt and fluff from your jocks.
• Smuggling Balloons - if a bird is said to be "Smuggling Balloons", it means she is in possession of big tits. i.e. Trying to conceal balloons up her shirt.
• Snatch - Snatch is a very important word. Not only because on it's own it's really important but because it also has a lot of useful derivatives. We all know that the word Snatch means to grab something from someone very quickly. This is it's minor use. The word snatch is mainly a good substitution for the word female. If you were walking down the road and you saw a nice looking bird you might like to use the phrase, "Check out the Melons on that bit of Snatch across the road". If you're going down the pub with your mates to have a drink and try and find a girlfriend you would use the phrase, "Let's go down the pub and have a skin full and pull some Snatch".

Snatch can also be substituted directly for the words pussy, cunt, quim and twat and could be used in a phrase like, "You should have seen the size of the snatch on this bird, it was so big she had to put Velcro on her Tampax". Where snatch is used to replace any word referring to a women's twat you can also used the phrase Snatch Box or Snatch Piece.

the phrase "A bit of snatch", referring to a nice woman or girl that you wouldn't mind shagging is also related to another few phrases such as

• A bit of skirt
• A slit of pink
• A bit of crumpet
• A bit of fluff
• A bird
• A bit of tottie
• Flange.
• Snatch Box - a word used to describe a woman's (see Snatch).
• Snatch Piece - another word used to describe a woman's twat (see Snatch).
• Soggy Biscuit - Soggy biscuit is a game played by boys in boarding school or Navy guys or any guys stuck together for any period of time, e.g. oil rigs etc. A group of lads all sit around a biscuit and wank over it and the last person to Shoot their bolt on it has to eat it.
• Spac - An abbreviation for SPAstiC
• Spac Chariot - A phrase used to describe a wheelchair or invalid carriage. Also see Spac
• Spam Ram - see Penis Pseudonyms
• Spear the bearded Clam - see Hide the Sausage
• Spook -
• Spunk. - is the proper word to use in place of semen. i.e. You might say, "I'm gonna fill that birds snatch box with spunk", literally meaning you are going to shag her. Alternatively you could say, "Watch out I'm gonna spunk", which means that you're on the gravy stroke.
• Spunk Up - is the act of Shooting Your Wad.
• Spunking Up - is the act of Shooting Your Wad.
• Squeeze a loaf - see Take a Seat.
• Squeeze one off - see Take a Seat.
• Squirts -
• Stick the Head on - if you "Stick the head on", somebody, this mean that you head butt them. i.e. you inflict damage on them by banging your head on to their head, for best result you should bang your forehead in to their face or nose and bust their nose. This is also known as a Glasgow Kiss.
• Stink Finger -
• Sucking Face -
• Sup - the verb to drink usually associated with alcohol.
• Supping - the act of having a drink, usually associated with boozing. A phrase such as "Are we going supping tonight", is widely accepted.
• Swallow - if you're dating a decent piece of snatch this is what she will do when you shoot your load in her gob. Other than that the word swallow is used in place of the verb "to drink", usually associated with the consumption of alcoholic beverages. e.g. "Are you going for a swallow", or "I had a good swallow last night"
• Swapping Spit -
• Swill - used in place of the verb "to drink", usually associated with the consumption of alcoholic beverages. e.g. "Are we going out for a good swill".
• Swilling - the adjective associated with the verb Swill e.g. "Let's go swilling", normally means lets go out and get Ratted.
• Swollen Goods - a play on words here of the police term "Stolen Goods". see Handling Swollen Goods and Receiving Swollen Goods.

T

• Tackle - a flexible word used to describe a few things. Most commonly "Tackle" refers to the reproductive organs in a male (see Pork Sword) or it could be referring to a good looking piece of snatch i.e. "She's a tidy piece of tackle I wouldn't mind Slipping her a length"
• Take a Seat - a phrase that means take a shit. Also "Squeeze one off", "Curl one off" or "Squeeze a loaf".
• Three Card Trick - Cockney rhyming slang for "Dick". e.g. "Get ya Jazz Bands round me Three card Trick". Also see Jazz Bands.
• Tighter than a Camels Arse in a Sandstorm - The main context this phrase is used in would be something like, "you wont get a pint of him coz he's tighter than a camels arse in a sand storm". Basically it states that the person in question isn't very generous. Also see Tighter than a Gnats Chuff
• Tighter than a Gnats Chuff - The main context this phrase is used in would be something like, "you wont get a pint of him coz he's tighter than a gnats chuff". Basically it states that the person in question isn't very generous. Also see Camels Arse in a sandstorm
• Tit Fuck - see Tit Wank.
• Tit Wank - Oh yes, this little chestnut. A tit wank it where a bird lies on her back and you get your pork sword in between her Melons. If she's a good girl she'll push her Baps around your shaft. You basically fuck her tits until you blow your load all over her tits, neck and face. this is sometime a useful trick if the bird you have picked up is a Slapper and her stomach is so fat you can't get your tool near her twat and her arse is so big, going up the marmite motorway is out of the question. You're left with your tubes cleaned and she's left with a nice pearl necklace.
• Tonsil Hockey -
• Tool - see Penis Pseudonyms. We must not forget that classic line in the film Scum where Carling goes in to the boiler house. The dialog goes something like this:-

  Carling to Black Dude - "Where's your Tool?"
  Black Dude - "What Tool?"
  Carling - "This fucking Tool you black bastard!!".
  Carling proceeds to kick the shit out of the black guy and beats him with a piece of pipe.

• Tosser - a general derogatory term for a stupid person.
• Tosspot - a derivative of tosser. Calling somebody a tosspot it the same as calling them a tosser.
• Toss Off - see Whack Off.
• Tottie - used to in place of the word female/women. e.g. "The pub was filled with tottie", meaning there were a lot of nice women down the pub. Also see Snatch
• Towel Head - see Camel Jockey
• Trollies - another word for trousers.
• Trombone - means telephone. Also see Bell, Dog and Trumpet. e.g. "Get him on the trombone", means, "Get him on the phone", or "Trombone me", means "Give me a call on the telephone"
• Trouble - Cockney Rhyming Slang, Trouble and Strife = wife, also see bird.
• Trumpet - means telephone. Also see Bell, Dog and Trombone. e.g. "Get him on the trumpet", means, "Get him on the phone", or "Trumpet me", means "Give me a call on the telephone"
• Twat - It's a powerful, useful and a very flexible word. Literally means a women's pussy, but more often used in a context to describe a real idiot. e.g. don't talk like a twat, or stop acting like a twat. Another use is in the phrase, "Is you don't behave I'm going to twat you", this would indicate that the person who is misbehaving is going to get hurt.

Twat is one of those words that you can add other words to modify it's meaning. Someone might be a real idiot so you could call them a "Fucking Twat", instead of just a plain old twat. You could call somebody a Twat Head, a female version of a Dick Head or a Twat Face. Dopey Twat, Lazy Twat, Thick Twat and Stupid Twat are all valid and widely used. Go ahead and experiment Ponsy Twat is another one that comes to mind. Twat is a very versatile word that should always be kept within easy reach.

• Twat Eater- is a person who likes to eat twat - no surprises there. This could be either a female, in which case we also use the term Carpet Muncher, or it could be a male who just prefers to go down on a girl when her twat is covered in Mickey Juice and eat her until he can breathe no more and comes up with his beard resembling a glazed donut.
• Twat Face- a twat derivative - see Twat.
• Twat Features- a twat derivative - see Twat.
• Twat Head - a twat derivative - see Twat.
• Twat Mat - see Pubic Hair Pseudonyms
• Twat Muncher - see Twat Eater
• Twat Rug - see Pubic Hair Pseudonyms
• Twatted - Obviously a derivative of the word twat, but this time is doesn't mean a women pussy or an idiot. If you are going to get Twatted it means that you are going to get hurt or beat up.

U

• Undergrots - see Underpants Psuedonyms.
• Underskids - see Underpants Psuedonyms.
• Underpants Pseudonyms - this all important garment covers a mans Tackle and they are often called any of the following:-
1. Undies
2. Skids
3. Grots
4. Undergrots
5. Undercrakcers

Associated topics are Skid Marks, Winnits or Shitting

V

• Vagina Pseudonyms- as this is a popular part of the women's anatomy (with the lads anyway) we have a load of words for it.
1. Twat
2. Quim
3. Cunt
4. Box
5. Pussy
6. Fanny
7. Axe wound
• Vinegar Stroke - when you are shagging a bird the vinegar stroke is the last stroke just before you shoot your load. It's usually the end result of a lot of wining and dining and spending a lot of cash.
• Visit from Aunt Flo - see on the rag.

W

• Wad - A word with a couple of meanings. A wad can be a "wad of money", often over paid rich contractors will be talking about their wads - they'll be flashing large bundles of 100 dollar bills down the boozer buying rounds of drink. This will eventually lead on to the second type of wad - where they will pick up some slapper and shoot their wad in to them.
• Waz - Nobody uses the word urinate today, it's out of fashion, stupid and just uncool. Waz is one possible replacement for this word. "I'm just going to urinate", sounds fucking stupid, but, "I'm just gonna have a waz", is pretty cool. As having a waz can also be the same as having a piss, you can also be wazzed out of your cranium, much like you can be pissed out of your cranium. see Drunk Pseudonyms
• Wank - As a verb Wank means to masturbate. It's associated with Whack Off although Wank doesn't infer that anyone is going to be shooting their load. It can also be used as an adjective e.g. "Don't talk wank", or "That movie was fucking wank", making a statement that the movie was shit.
• Wanked - literally means masturbated. But this term may also be used to denote that something is broken. i.e. "We completely wanked the engine in this Avis rent-a-car".
• Wank Mag - a Wank Mag is a pornographic magazine. Usually displaying women spreading their piss flaps to reveal their slits of pink.Other magazines may depict women receiving swollen goods or getting a good rogering, tit wanks etc. Also known as "Niff Mags"
• Wanker - A person who wanks a lot or it's a multi-purpose derogatory term that can be used almost anywhere much like Bollocks and Fuck.
• Wanking - Masturbation. Obviously a lot needs to be said here. Wanking mainly concerns blokes although birds can wank too, either by shoving stuff up their twats or fingering the Skinhead in a Canoe. Let's just start off with a few euphemisms for wanking to get the ball rolling, you can see how popular it is just by the number of entries.
• A big date with Rosy Palms
• Bashing the Bishop
• Beating the balogna
• Beating the bed flute
• Beating your meat
• Beef-stroke-it-off
• Being your own best friend
• Bleed the weed
• Bobbing your boloney
• Boxing the bald champ
• Burping the baby
• Burping the worm
• Buttering the corn
• Charming the snake
• Choking Kojak
• Choking the bald guy until he pukes
• Choking the chicken
• Clobbering the Kleenex
• Coming into your own
• Coming to grips with yourself
• Cranking the love pump
• Cranking the shank
• Cuffing the carrot
• Doing the five-knuckle shuffle
• Firing the flesh musket
• Fisting your mister
• Five on one
• Flogging the dog
• Flogging the hog
• Flogging the log
• Flute solo
• Getting a grip on things
• Having a ham shank
• Having a Sherman (British)
• Having a tug-of-war with the cyclops
• Holding the sausage hostage
• Jacking off
• Jerkin' the gherkin
• Jerking off
• Jerking the turkey
• Lubing the Tube
• Making the bald man puke
• Making the scene with the magazine
• Milking the lizard
• Molesting the mole
• Much goo about nothing
• One gun salute
• One man show
• One off the wrist
• Playing a little five-on-one
• Playing the flesh flute
• Playing the skin flute
• Playing tug-o-war with the cyclops
• Pleasing your pisser
• Pocket pinball
• Pocket pool
• Polishing the helmet
• Pounding the pud
• Pulling the pole
• Pulling your hood
• Pulling your pud
• Pumping the python
• Pumping the stump
• Ramming the ham
• Rapid one arm pull-ups
• Riding the great white knuckler
• Romancing the bone
• Shaking the snake
• Shooting your wad
• Slamming the salami
• Slappin the purple headed yogurt pistol
• Slapping high fives with Yul Brynner
• Spanking Frank
• Spanking the monkey
• Spunking
• Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
• Squeezing the juice
• Squeezing the lemon
• Squeezing the weasel
• Squeezing your cheese-dog
• Stinky pinky
• Stirring the batter
• Stirring the yogurt
• Strainin' the main vein
• Strangling the Serpent
• Striking the pink match
• Stroking it
• Stroking off
• Stroking the dog
• Stroking the lizard
• Stroking the mole
• Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
• Stroking the satin-headed serpent
• Stroking the squirmin' German
• Stroking the wiener
• Stroking your poker
• Stroking your twinkie
• Taking a nap
• Taking a shake break
• Taking Herman to the circus
• Taking matters into your own hands
• Taking ol' one eye through the fly
• Taking part in population control
• Taking some time off
• Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
• Taking the monster for a one-armed ride
• Talking quietly to yourself
• Taming the shrew
• Taunting the one-eyed weasel
• Teasing the weasel
• Teasing the weenie
• Tenderizing the meat
• Tenderizing the tube steak
• Testicular tensile strength test
• Testing the testicles
• Testing your batteries
• That crazy hand jive
• The art of Unisex
• The Colonel Sanders Heimleich Maneuver
• The five knuckle shuffle on the old piss pipe
• The serta solo
• Thrapping
• Throwing
• Throwing one
• Thumping the pump
• Ticklewigglejigglepickle
• Tickling my fancy
• Tickling the ivory
• Tickling the one-eyed weasel
• Tickling the pickle
• Tonking
• Torkin' the fork
• Torturing the tentacle
• Tossing off
• Tossing the salad
• Tossing the snag
• Tossing the turkey
• Tossing yogurt
• Treating yourself right
• Trouser snake CPR
• Tugging the slug
• Tugging the tapioca tube
• Tuning my horn
• Turning Japanese
• Twanging the wire
• Tweaking your twinkie
• Twisting your crank
• Twisting your tool
• Unloadinging the gun
• Using the Force on Darth Vader
• Varnishing the flagpole
• Violating the hedge-hog
• Visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters
• Wacking off
• Wacking the one-eyed worm
• Wacking the weasel
• Wacking the willie
• Waking the dead
• Waking Wee Willie Wonka
• Walking the dog
• Walking the plank
• Walking the snake
• Waltzing with Willy
• Wanking
• Wanking with the one-eyed wonder weasel
• Washing the meat
• Waving the Magic Wand
• Waxing the car
• Waxing the carrot
• Waxing the dolphin
• Waxing your surfboard
• Whackin the weasel
• Whacking it
• Whacking off
• Whacking Willy
• Whipping off
• Whipping the bishop
• Whipping the dummy
• Whipping the one-eyed trouser snake
• Whipping the rat
• Whipping the stiff
• Whipping the wire
• Whipping up some sour cream
• Whipping willy the one-eyed wonder-worm
• Whipping your dripper
• White-water wristing
• Whittling the stick
• Whizzing jism
• Windsurfing on Mount Baldy
• Wonking your conker
• Wonking your donk
• Workin' out a stiff joint
• Working off
• Working off a batch
• Wrestling the eel
• Wrestling the one-eyed monster
• Wrestling the purple headed warrior
• Wrestling with the bald champ
• Wringing out your rope
• Wrist aerobics
• Yanking off
• Yanking the crank
• Yanking the yoyo
• Yanking your plank

Wanking Tips.

• If you are right handed, try having a wank with you left hand, it's almost like doing a virgin.
• Lie on your arm until it goes numb, then have a wank - it feels like somebody else
• Don't worry about wanking because remember your hand will never leave you for another arm
• Well 'Ard - Short version of "Well Hard", see Rock 'Ard.
• Whack Off - Whack Off means to Masturbate (See Wank ) and Come. i.e. If you Whack Off over a birds tits, you masturbate until you come on her tits. There are several other expression assocaited with this.
• Blow/Shoot your Load
• Blow/Shoot your Bolt
• Spunking
• Spuffing

It would be correct to say that you had "Shot your load over a birds tits". This doesn't infer that you had to masturbate to shoot your load though. You might have been giving her a porking and pulled your tool out when you were on the vinegar stroke and shot it on her tits, or alternatively she could have been giving you a tit wank and you just finished up there and then.

• Winnits - Now here's an unusual topic that doesn't get discussed a lot. Firstly just let me explain what a 'Winnit" is. After you've been for a shite you wipe your arse. Now you can wipe your Ring Piece until it resembles a blood orange but if you're arse is like mine and is covered with hair, there's always going to be some shite stuck on the end of your arse hairs. These little globules of shite on the end of the hairs will eventually harden and become "Winnits". Other terms for Winnits include
• Tag Nuts
• Clag / Cleg Nuts
• Dingleberries
• Little Brown Men on Swings.

As a foot note - Winnits aren't all fun. If you should get a Siamese Winnit, a Winnit where one globule (the head) shares two hairs (the body) you could be in for problems when you take your next dump as essentially this Winnit is joining two hairs together and the turd is going to try and seperate them. If the Winnit bonding is strong this will mean the turd will have three options. It will either split the Winnit into two seperate Winnits or the Saimese Winnit will act on your turd like a cheese grater or the force of the Richard will pull one or both of the hairs from your Ring Piece.

• Windscreen Wipers - this is the act of kissing and sucking a woman's tits as you go from one nipple to the other your head makes a windscreen wiper style movement. 

X

Y

• Yank -
• Yem - A term that originates from the mid to Yorkshire part of England that means Home.
• Youngie - Probably one of the nicest blokes you will ever meet. Characterized by a high IQ, kind, caring, considerate, loyal, charitable etc. You get the idea right.

Z

• Rubbish - Unwanted waste. Yanks call it trash.
• Scud - The verb to hit or beat somebody up. e.g. "You carry on acting like a prick and I'll scud you"